When the Fog Lifts..And You See Your Vulnerable Heart for the First Time

When Norah Rose was first born, life was crazy, as expected. I mean, it was the amount of crazy I expected...not necessarily more or less. She wasn’t so amazing we slept each night soundly with an angelic baby in a bassinet beside us, but she wasn’t colicky, or all that hard to please. She wanted what she wanted, and if we could just provide that (which we mostly could), she rewarded us with being generally content.

Sure mom, that playpen looks like a great idea and all,
but I'll just snuggle in here instead, rendering your thoughts of
productivity or personal hygiene useless...

Hmm what to do today…sleep? nah. Poop? Oh ya!

Now, generally content isn’t the stuff pregnant mommies dream of (they should...) but we sighed a sigh of relief every day we got through with the usual baby issues (why does she always wake up just when I fall asleep?! How many more times in a day can a human poop? etc etc) and not really much more. The memories of that time to me now seem foreign...this haze of sleeplessness, unknown answers, nonexistent confidence. It was hard; it was the most grueling marathon of meeting ALL of someone else’s needs before even being allowed to think of ONE of your own. I truly did not sleep for the 2 days before giving birth, spent the third night giving birth, and then at least the next two nights awake all night either holding the baby, feeding the baby, or checking if the baby needed to be held or fed. That’s 5 days people...I have never in my life stayed up for 5 days, and may never be able to again. But I did, and that’s just what you do when a new baby enters your life. And Norah was a pretty good baby I believe...I am quite certain our worst days would have been someone else’s best (you got to shower?! You ate some toast?! I was living in someone else’s dream world probably). Thank you for that Norah, and may your future sibling or your teenage years not bestow horrible horrible karma on us.

Please just stay asleep so I can too!!

During this hectic time, where I was learning this entirely new way of living, and trying to reset my brain to understand this was forever (forever, forever ever? forever ever*), it was hard to actually give much thought to the answer when people asked “aren’t you just innnn looooovvvve though?”. The answer of course is just automatic, yes, yes I am in love with my baby. It is only now, as the fog has lifted off that part of my life that was to be “forever”, that I am able to truly think more deeply about the love I have for my daughter. 

To be clear, it was not forever. My life was not actually to be a never ending cycle of not once having time for myself. It just feels like it at the time, that you can’t imagine life being normal again. And it never goes back to how it was, but the new normal is not something to fear, once you figure it out. Norah now naps regularly, so I can work out, shower, relax etc. She is also now eating lots of solid foods and nurses very quickly and efficiently, so we eat our breakfast and lunch together, instead of me never finding the time to eat food amongst marathon nurse sessions. I eat my dinner after she goes to bed, because she goes to bed at 6:30 and almost never wakes up again until the next morning at 6:30. Soon enough her bedtime will get slightly later, and we can enjoy a family meal together after Dave comes home. I can go out and do things in the evening as long as Dave is home, coz she barely ever wakes up and if she does, she can be calmed by her dada or will take a bottle. Other than the fact that my day-to-day routine is very different from when I used to wake up and go to work I feel very much like “me” again. I’m sure when I go back to work, I will feel even more so. 

Fine, I guess this "crib" idea isn't actually so wacky...

I would like to sample every food item in the world please!
 (This morning we had the same breakfast, eggs, toast and blueberries!)

Now, when I go to Norah in the morning, I realize I missed her. When I kiss her as many times as I do a day, it’s because I literally can’t help it. When I put her down to sleep, I tell her I love her, even though she doesn’t understand. When I choose books to read with her I think about what she likes. It’s hard to admit it, but I am going to be honest in hopes I’m not the only one, but at the beginning that just didn’t come naturally. I did not miss her when she woke up...I desperately wanted her to go back to sleep. I kissed her sometimes because I felt like I was supposed to kiss her. I don’t think I told her I loved her until she was over 6 months. Books used to be chew things and I had no idea she would excitedly point at cats in a book, or love stroking soft “touch books”. 

We’ve been watching a show about a man put in prison for 20 years for something he allegedly didn’t do. And this made me think just how horrible that would be, to have that much time stolen from you.  I thought about being forced to be away from Norah for that long, and my newly vulnerable heart gave a quiver. There could be nothing worse than being taken from your child, or your child being taken from you. I now understand the terror of that possibility, and my heart aches for anyone who has had to endure it, especially my own mother.

There is nothing like a mother’s love. And Norah Rose, I promise you I’ve loved you this deeply from the beginning. I just didn’t realize it until we got to know each other a bit better ;) 

You are the flower that blooms in my heart. 

*Sorry Miss Jackson

Fuzzy Bottomed Butt

 Fuzzy

Bottomed

 Butt

Time certainly does seem to get stolen from you as a new parent - she’s almost 4 months old and I’ve barely had the time to sit down and blog. It’s not that you are always busy doing something as a parent of a newborn, but often stuck doing absolutely nothing. By this, I mean nursing, holding or staring at the baby, rendering you incapable of completing any task. These things take up a lot of the day, and keep one from being able to do the most simplest of things, such as brush your teeth before 3 in the afternoon. One thing I have managed to keep up with however,  is cloth diapering! For some reason right away after finding out I was pregnant it just seemed obvious I was going to go the cloth route. I don’ really know why...it was just already decided in my head. Then as I started doing research I thought, “oh shit, why am I doing this?! Can I back out now?!” But, I stuck with my original decision, asked nothing from friends and family except gifts having to do with cloth diapers and ended up with a stash of cloth diapers in early November. I rearranged them multiple times in my handy storage bin thingy... “inserts here...covers here...cloth diaper friendly creams etc here...actually no, let’s put the covers here. wait no, let’s put the covers and inserts that go together in one bin. And etc etc”. You can picture Dave just staring blankly at me. I was 9+ months pregnant with nothing to do...going diaper shopping and the subsequent organizing of them was the highlight of the last few weeks. And then I waited, to have a butt to cover with these diapers. I worried about the laundry process, the potential for leaks, the comfort level for my baby...Finally the butt to be diapered was born, also known as my daughter Norah Rose. Not just a butt, but a beautiful girl! We started in disposables, as per the advice of a number of cloth diapering mamas I know, and plus we had been gifted a huge amount of disposables. Also, since we were traveling for Christmas, it made sense. I would also continue to recommend this, that those considering cloth wait for a month or two. Let yourself get over the recovery and the new routine before adding in extra laundry and a new skill! It made a world of difference to me, and definitely could be the difference for some people in sticking with it or giving up prematurely.  I did however start using cloth wipes within a few weeks and would never go back to disposable wipes. Anyone who washes their baby’s clothes every few days may as well go this route. It’s so easy to do, and better for baby and better for your wallet and the environment. And if you are cloth diapering, it just makes sense. And if you aren’t willing to cloth diaper, cloth wipes are an easy way to make a small difference. Stack of wash cloths+ spray bottle of water + spray bottle of cleanser = easy. 

Wipes

So, here is my cloth diaper 101: 

It’s just not that hard. It’s not. I have 4 different “systems” of diapers, spanning a few different brands. Some people just have one tried and true diaper, but I wanted to try a few. Every diaper/cover I own is “one-size-fits-all”, and it grows with your baby by using snaps to make the diaper fit different, both vertically and horizontally. This is great, but I found they didn’t really fit her until she was closer to 10 lbs, even though most state 7 lbs as the starting weight. 

Best Bottoms

Best Bottoms size M insert

Best Bottoms (Inserts and Covers): My number one recommended diaper, and if I was going to have a single “tried and true” I would use these exclusively.  So easy to launder, and the best bang for your buck if you want an easy diaper. It consists of inserts that snap onto a waterproof cover, so if baby just pees you can simply snap out the wet insert and snap in a new one after wiping off the cover (if needed). Even with a BM, if it’s not too bad, you can rinse the cover off and it will dry in an hour or two and be ready again. Really great for laundry - you just have a bunch of cloth pads to wash basically, and a few covers, instead of full diapers every time baby pees. You do need to buy different sized inserts as baby grows though -small, medium and large. If you don’t start for a month or two, you can get away starting on medium easily. You can also buy “overnight” inserts made of cotton/bamboo which snap into the diaper and then another insert can snap on top, as a “doubler”. 

Bum Genius  Pocket 

with newborn insert

Bum Genius Pocket

Bum Genius pockets: My next favourite, although basically the opposite of Best Bottoms. It consists of a full diaper with a pocket to place an insert in. So every time baby wets, you have a full diaper to launder, and have to pull the icky insert out from the pocket. No part of the diaper can be reused. They do keep baby drier I find though, as the liquid is pulled to the insert underneath and away from baby’s skin, versus the insert touching baby’s skin. They are also easier for someone like a babysitter or grandparent, as its basically like putting on a regular diaper. So I like them for different reasons than Best Bottoms.

Bum Genius All in One

Bum Genius All in One

Bum Genius All in One: One of my least favourite at this stage, as it’s bulky on her. It has two inserts sewn into it, so its super simple - put it on like a regular diaper, take it off and throw entire thing in laundry. I just find it doesn’t fit her as well and would make for a huge load of laundry versus using Best Bottoms. I only have one of these and reach for it the least. Maybe as she grows it won’t be as bulky on her. 

FLIP

FLIP one size insert folded to "small"

Flip (Inserts and Covers): Same idea as the Best Bottoms with a few tweaks that make them less favourable to me. They don’t fit her as well for one, but that can vary baby to baby. They are more prone to leaking simply due to the gusset on her legs not fitting as tightly as the Best Bottoms do. They have inserts that you just place in the diaper and are kind of held in with flaps on each side. Means you could technically just “flip” the dirty insert into laundry bag and reuse cover without touching anything gross, versus needing to unsnap the Best Bottoms. I rinse all my inserts in the tub right after use though, so I clearly don’t care about touching my baby’s pee and poo. These inserts are also quite a bit bigger than best bottoms, making for a bulkier fit. They are one size fits all though which is nice - good from newborn until potty training. You just fold it over differently for different sizes. They also make different kinds of inserts -  “stay dry” synthetic, natural fibre and even disposable liners! You can really mix and match any inserts with most covers though, not just Flip. And you can always add disposables liners to any kind of diaper too, to make thing easier. They are usually thin and flushable but help a lot with BMs. 

Kissaluvs fitted 

Kissaluvs fitted with Best Bottoms Cover

Kissluvs Fitteds (and Covers): They are basically full on absorbent diapers so they can handle a LOT of wetness (ie overnight, naps, going out). They go on like a regular diaper and can absorb over the entire surface area, so of course need a waterproof cover on the outside to shield wetness from clothing. Both Flip Covers and Best Bottoms covers, or any cover for that matter, works with these. Great functionality (never worry about leaks with these bad boys) but harder to put on, as you are basically putting two diapers onto a squirmy baby. These are probably closest to “old fashioned” diapers, but use snaps instead of old school pins. 

So that is my collection! It would cost around $400 and I have more than enough to get through 2 days of diapering, usually 3 before needing to launder. You can’t go much longer than 3 though, or you risk stains setting in and things getting stinky. I also currently don’t use them overnight, although I think the Fitteds would handle night just fine. Like I said, we have a lot of disposables to get through, so I use them for night time!

Finding a wash routine that works depends on your washer and your water. I had to come up with a whole new routine when we moved and I changed from a top loader to a front loader. Top loaders are generally considered way better for cloth diapers, but so far the front loader seems to be doing a great job. Like I said: if you are going to wash baby’s dirty clothes every few days, why not just wash some diapers with that load and save yourself some cash, and the environment?

All my diapers, drying in an
environmentally friendly fashion!

Some people question cloth as being environmentally friendly due to all the water used to wash them...well, you can research this and find out that while yes they consume a lot of water, the impact of disposables is still much worse. Especially if you are using an HE machine, as I am now. Plus, if nothing else, you will save a lot of money and get to enjoy all the fun prints on the diapers! I also find them to be more leak proof than disposables to be honest.

Hope this gave you some insight into the world of cloth diapers! Feel free to send any questions my way if you or someone you know is considering it as an option!

A Daddy for Life

Since bringing Norah Rose home there have been lots of things I’ve thought about to write as my next post. But one thing has kind of stood out as needing to be the first thing to share with the world about life with my daughter.

Her dad.

Dave had the fantastic opportunity to stay home with us for the first 6 weeks of Norah’s life. Not every Dad gets to do this, and he made the most of it. Dave and I aren’t super “PDA” or  “lovey dovey” and don’t  often share too much about our relationship on social media. But there is nothing like watching a man with his new daughter to make you fall even more in love with someone. Dave and Norah made such a bond so instantly that I was almost jealous. Sure, she would scream at the top of her lungs in order to get to be with me, but that was because I was the food source. She followed him around the apartment with her eyes and then her head very early on, even though he had nothing to offer except himself. But himself proved to be quite enough. He would talk her through the day, narrating everything that was happening while she listened intently, staring into his face. He read stories to her, and showed her the new toys she had. He changed diapers and poopy outfits and took a billion proud pics. And I got to watch him in awe, a 6 foot 2 inch man who had zero experience with new born babies. This was not just a newborn though...this was his daughter, and it was quite clear the role of Dad suited him.

Dave had to go back to work this week, and it’s been an adjustment for us all. I no longer have a man servant to bring me snacks when I’m stuck on the couch for marathon nursing sessions. No longer is taking a shower as easy as placing Norah in his arms. But mostly, there are now fewer hours in the day where Norah and Dave get to bond, but it does make his return from work all that more anticipated and special. She always reacts to his face and his voice with excitement, and I’ve seen her staring at his side of the bed in the morning, trying to figure out why he’s not there.

A daddy’s girl from day one. Norah Rose, you are one lucky lady to get to call my man your daddy!

We love you Daddy, and we miss you all day!